What Ifs
by unlikelyRLshipper
Summary: D/L. Based on a scene in 6.22, but no real spoilers for the episode. After leaving the interrogation room, Danny starts to think about how he reacted to finding out Lindsay was pregnant, and he wants to know how she reacted.


**Hello again everybody! So, it's been a while since I've posted anything, and I've missed it! I've still be writing, but I'll say more on that later.**

**Anyways, back to this little piece: the idea came to me after watching 6.22 and seeing the interrogation scene with Danny and the guy who found out he was going to be a dad. It seemed like a perfect opportunity for Danny to compare his own reaction with the suspect's to me. I always figured that one of the better authors around here would pick up on a similar vibe and run with it, but when nobody did (if I'm wrong, then I must have missed it and I apologize for that), I decided to take a stab at it. I hope you'll like it.**

**I still own nothing. *pouts***

**Please enjoy everyone!**

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**What Ifs**

Walking back to his office from the interrogation room, Danny couldn't help but draw parallels between the suspect in their latest case and himself. This guy claimed that he'd broken the mirror after finding out that his girlfriend was pregnant, angry about the news because he wasn't ready to be a father. It made Danny think about how he'd initially reacted when Lindsay informed him that she was carrying his child. He'd been angry like the suspect, but not about becoming a father. Instead, Danny had been mad because Lindsay had taken so long to tell him, and when she finally had, she'd dropped the bombshell in the middle of the locker room where any of their co-workers could have overheard this incredibly personal revelation. And to top it off, she told him flat out that she expected nothing from him.

That had hurt most of all to him, but he later realized that that was the image of himself that he'd been giving her for some time now. After he'd had the chance to reflect on his behaviour towards her recently, he could see how she'd come to believe that he'd leave her high and dry with his kid and think nothing of it. However, he knew deep down that he wasn't that guy and that he never could be. At the same time, he didn't think that he could be a good father after striking out at being a good man to her, but he wanted to try to be. Though it terrified him, he had been put him into a continuous state of awe knowing that Lindsay was carrying his child, a life that would forever be a part of him and a part of her. He knew Lindsay and his son or daughter deserved a better man than he'd been, and with the final bit of encouragement from talking with the Harrises and Jim Harris's advice to not regret his decisions in life, Danny started to show Lindsay just the type of man he knew he could be.

When he finally arrived back in the office that he shared with Lindsay, he marvelled at just how far he and Lindsay had come from then to where they were now – married, parents, and happy – but it also occurred to him, and not for the first time, that they'd never really talked about how they individually dealt with the news of impending parenthood. The only thing that came up about it during the 'baby steps' phase of their relationship rebuilding was the fact that they were both scared about what was happening and that they both wanted to face that fear together and not apart. Usually this was the type of news that couples shared together, but both he and Lindsay had processed most of their feelings separately and never brought them up again. Danny knew that it really didn't matter all that much in their relationship anymore because they were a solid little unit – him, Lindsay, and Lucy – but it was something that he'd always wondered about. Glancing down at the time on the corner of the computer screen, Danny saw that he only had a couple more hours to his shift, and knowing that Lindsay's shift was over in an hour, he was counting down the time until he could go home and talk with his wife.

Danny ended up getting home a little bit later than he'd originally expected, but as it was already more than an hour past Lucy's bedtime, he knew he'd have more than enough time to talk to Lindsay. Entering their apartment, he found Lindsay sitting on the couch waiting for him, just as he'd suspected, flipping through a magazine.

"Hey babe. Sorry I'm late, the subway was packed tonight," he greeted her warmly as he took his jacket and bag off.

"Hey Danny. Don't worry about it. I made a plate for you for dinner. I'll heat it up for you." Lindsay put the magazine back down on the coffee table and passed in front of him, giving him a kiss on the way by. She was almost by him when his arms darted out and pulled her back in for another kiss, smiling mischievously as he let her go when it was over.

"I'm just gonna change outta these clothes and then I'll be right back."

True to his word, Danny reappeared just as the microwave started beeping. Lindsay took the plate out and placed it and a fork on the bar counter as he took a seat. He gave his wife an appreciative smile before starting to shovel food into his mouth, causing Lindsay to burst out laughing. Instead of stopping him though, she watched him finish off his plate in record time before asking "Did you eat at all today?"

"Nope, but thanks for that, it was really good." Lindsay smiled at him as she picked up the plate and fork and walked back over to the sink to scrub them off for the dishwasher. Danny saw this as his best opportunity to delve into the conversation.

"So I was in the interrogation room today with the guy who punched out the mirror in the bathroom you were processing, and his reason for doing it was because he found out that his girlfriend was pregnant and he wasn't ready to be a dad."

"Yeah, I heard about that." She kept her back to him as she answered, and her reply came out in an even voice, but Danny noticed the slightest tension in her body. Nevertheless, he pressed on.

"It got me thinking about how I reacted. At first, I was angry because you kept it from me for so long and because you dropped the bombshell on me while we were at work. Then, I started to understand why you did what you did: I hadn't been real approachable about anything at the time so there was never really a chance to tell me sooner, our relationship was really rocky and I guessed that you were scared as hell about what the future would hold. After that, I got over my anger towards you and I tried to show you that I could be someone that you and our child could depend on. At the time, I still didn't think I was gonna be a good dad because I sucked as a good man for you, but the awe I felt about the new life we'd created together pushed me to keep trying to be a better man. I know all of this may not seem important anymore, but I've always wondered, how did you react when you found out?"

There was a beat of silence between them before Lindsay finally turned to face him, the beginning of tears evident in her eyes. There was a voice telling her not to answer him, to complete avoid the subject, but she really couldn't figure out why: Lucy was here, they were married and their relationship was stronger than ever, so why was she so afraid to answer the question? It was a topic that had come to her mind many times as well, but she never dared talk to Danny about it before because she was afraid of learning the truth about how he'd reacted. It dawned on her then that those fears were still upon her, despite their changed circumstances, but deciding that those fears weren't important anymore, she forged ahead and answered his question.

"First off, I was never worried that you wouldn't be a good dad. When we were working that case at the Amityville House, I watched how you interacted with the little girl and I knew then that you'd be a great dad someday. And I was right," she said as she re-crossed the kitchen and sat down at the end of the bar where she could somewhat face Danny. "At first, I was sure that I had the flu. It was going around the lab at the time, and after you got it, I figured I caught it from you, but when I was still sick almost two weeks later, I scheduled a doctor's appointment. She asked me if maybe I was pregnant because she couldn't find anything else wrong with me, but I told her that I'd just had my period and I always used protection. She started talking again about running some more tests, but I was a mile way in my head because two thoughts had come to me: my period had been really light and only lasted a day or two, and the night of my rain walk when you called and asked me to come over. I interrupted her and said that she'd better run a pregnancy test on me."

Danny remembered well the night in question. Even before they'd worked out that that was the night that they'd conceived Lucy, it had taken on a special place in Danny's heart. He truly hadn't expected Lindsay to show up at his place after she'd hung up on him, so when she did, soaked through to the bone, he felt that maybe there still was some hope for them. He'd quickly ushered her in and started to tell her that she needed to get warm and dry, but she'd seemed to have other ideas, backing him against the wall and slamming her lips against his own. He'd stopped thinking in that moment and just went by feeling, kissing her back with the same ferocity and need. Her soaked clothes and his damp ones were strewn all over his apartment as they stumbled their way to his bed. The passion that the two of them shared that night had been unlike anything they'd had before, and they'd collapsed together fully spent and didn't talk until the morning, when they'd both agreed to give their relationship another try.

Danny realized that he'd drifted off for a long time, so he quickly snapped back into the present, hoping that Lindsay wouldn't be mad at him for disappearing on her. He couldn't help the smirk on his face when he saw that she was still off in another time, so he patiently waited for her to return just as he had. When she did, it was with a sheepish look on her face, but his smile let her know that he'd done the same thing. She returned the smile and continued her story.

"Anyways, I got a call two days later confirming what I'd already come to realize: I was pregnant. I got off the phone and sat down on the couch, trying to wrap my head around it, when the phone rang about five minutes later and I saw that it was your cell phone number. I just fell to the floor – I knew it was impossible, but it was like you knew what was happening. I couldn't answer the phone, so I let it go to the answering machine. You were calling to check up on me, to see if I was feeling any better. You said that you were gonna stop by after work to keep me company and be my nursemaid." Danny nodded, remembering the message he'd left for her. "That's when it hit me that I'd have to tell you I was pregnant, and I started sobbing. I couldn't bear to see you that night, so I sent you a text message later telling you that I was better but that I had a massive headache so I was going to go to bed early and I said I'd call you in the morning before my shift. I went to bed and pretty much cried the whole night. That was when I started avoiding you."

Lindsay felt her emotions beginning to boil over at merely thinking about that time, so she reached for Danny's hand and threaded their fingers together. Danny felt horrible about what she'd gone through all alone, and he'd started to think that it had been a mistake to bring this topic up. "I wish you'd told me sooner."

"I wanted to, but I couldn't."

"Is that because you were thinking about getting an… um, that you were maybe gonna…" Danny couldn't bring himself to get the word to come out of his mouth. Lindsay stared at him for a second and she could see that he was asking the question without judgement on her, whatever the answer would be. She caught his attention and made sure that he was looking right at her as she answered his query.

"No. I believe in the right to choose, but I wasn't choosing it for myself. I knew you would never force, or even ask me to do that, but at the same time I couldn't help but wonder if maybe it was something you'd want us to consider."

"Why?" There was a trace of hurt in his voice, but he seemed to be more confused by her statement than anything else.

"Because of Ruben. You took his death so hard, I didn't know if you were even thinking about having kids anymore, " she stated plainly.

"To be honest, I was rethinking that, and I had no idea where my thoughts would end up on any given day. Then you told me that you were pregnant with my child, and the decision was made for me."

"Danny, I never would've forced you into being a father. I was gonna let you decide how much involvement you could handle."

"That's not what I meant Linds. First off, that's a little crazy because you were choosing to be a mom, even if it was all on your own. There's no way that I would have let you handle that responsibility all by yourself. Secondly, I took Ruben's death hard, there's no denying that, but finding out that you were having our child, it made me choose what I really wanted: you and our baby, a chance to be your husband someday and a father to your children. There wasn't anything that would've stopped me from trying to have the both of you in my life permanently, even the memory of my grief over Ruben."

Upon hearing her worst fears proved wrong, Lindsay started crying and she fell into Danny's arms. He pulled her fully into his lap and held her, tears springing to his own eyes. "It's OK Linds, shhh."

"No it's not. That entire time, from when I found out 'til when I told you, I kept you at arm's length because I was worried that you'd reject me and our child. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't: I was just making it that much harder on the both of us. God, why do we seemingly refuse to open up to one another, it just makes everything more complicated than it needs to be!" The frustration in her voice was mounting, so he tried to calm her quickly.

"Babe, look at me." When she shook her head in refusal, Danny unwrapped his arms from her body and used his hands to gently, but firmly frame her face and turn her head so they were eye to eye. " I know that this stuff hurts, but we both need to let it go and move on, and not like last time when we just glossed over it. We have to remember that we're not there anymore: we're married, we have a beautiful daughter, and maybe most importantly, we've learned to be open and honest with each other, and for two people like us, that's huge!"

A bubble of laughter escaped Lindsay's lips and she blinked her eyes slowly a couple of times, signifying her defeat in the argument. "You know, I really think that it was a good idea for you to have brought this up today, because I know that even when a situation turns out differently than you may have planned, that doesn't mean the 'what ifs?' don't' keep nagging you."

"For a bit there I wasn't so sure, but I'm glad I did too."

With her face still trapped between his hands, she pushed against his hands and arms until her lips could meet his in a sweet kiss. Pulling back afterwards, Danny used one of his hands to brush some of the hair from her face. "Do you think we can let all of this go, now that we know what each of us was thinking at the time, and keep our focus on the here and now?"

"I know we can," she replied before smiling brightly and leaning forward to kiss him again, jumping down onto the floor when the kiss was finished. "C'mon Mr. Messer, let's head to bed."

"Lead the way, Mrs. Messer."

They got as far as the living room before they heard Lucy start screaming and crying, apparently woken up by a scary dream. Lindsay started to head for the nursery on her own when she stopped, turning towards Danny and holding out her hand.

"Let's go get her together."

Danny answered by placing his hand in hers and letting her guide them both to their daughter.

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**OK, so like I said at the start, I have been writing in my absence from posting. It's another multi-chapter dealing with the finale, but actually based on what happened, and not based on speculation like my other fic **_**Aftermath**_** was. I know there's been a lot of them floating around since the end of the season, but I hope you may like to check it out – the first chapter should be up by the end of the week.**

**Until then, thank you for reading everyone, and I hope you all have a lovely day/evening wherever you may be!**


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